Searching for your love

Today, I want to talk about a singular piece of music that matters a lot to me because I relate to it so deeply. 愛を探して by Kikuo

I was hoping maybe this song could help others understand what I mean when I say I'm stuck in a "child-like" mind. Kikuo seems to have the same problem. It's a trauma response. Kikuo has talked about having been abused as a child. And it shows in his work.

「ぼくはどこにいるの？
ここはどこにあるの？
いつから夢の中閉じ込められてるの？」
"Where am I?
Where is this place?
How long have I been trapped within a dream?"

I often feel lost in a dream-like or "fugue state" myself. A trauma response.

「きみはどこにいるの？
そこはどこにあるの？
いつから霧の中迷い続けてるの？」
"Where are you?
Where is that place?
How long have I been lost within a fog?"

Feeling lost in a brain fog. Depression causes this sense of "fog" in the mind as well as trauma response.

「怖くて怯えた幼い日々が
からっぽにうずくまる小さな頃が
喉の奥からはじける時は
なぜだろう なぜだろう
楽しくて狂ったように笑ってしまうんだ」
"My dreadful, frightful childhood days,
When I was small, cowering in empty space.
That time bursts from the back of my throat.
And I don't know why, I don't know why,
But it makes me laugh so hard that I go mad from joy."

"...frightful childhood days" or 「．．．怯えた幼い日々が」is a really sad sentence and one that resonates deeply for myself.
Some people look back on their childhood's with a sense of nostalgia and longing to return to an easier time. Others, like myself and Kikuo, look back with fear. Being an adult, where I'm at now in life . . . it's a relief. It's a relief to no longer be a child.

「ぼくはどこにいるの？
ここはどこにあるの？
いつから夢の中彷徨い歩いてる？」
"Where am I?
Where is this place?
How long have I been wandering within a dream?"

「きみはどこにいるの？
そこはどこにあるの？
いつから霧の中迷い続けてるの？」
"Where are you?
Where is that place?
How long have I been lost within a fog?"

「頭が壊れたきみのことを夢の中でずっと待ってるから
抱きしめてよ 抱きしめてよ！
抱きしめてほしくて
子どもの姿のままで待ってるよ ．．．
ずっと」
"Even though my mind's completely broken down, I'll keep waiting for you inside a dream.
Please hold me tight, please hold me tight!
I want to be held
Stuck in my child-like state I'll wait for you . . .
Forever."

Kikuo talks about losing part of his sanity due to trauma, but how that still isn't enough to stop him from yearning for parental affection. He wishes to be held, and here explicity remarks being stuck in a child-like state. I feel this so deeply. I am also stuck in a child-like state. I am stunted--mentally. I know it can be hard to see on the surface, look at my writing! Look at Kikuo's music production! "A child couldn't do that!" But it's not so literal. It's often partial stunting. Like for me, and Kikuo, a strong desire to be held--literally--like a child. I got stuck at somewhere between age four to eleven, particularly socially and emotionally. I cling to anyone who shows the smallest bit of friendliness like we're instantly best friends, that is a child-like state.

「ああ
お願いお願い ！
ずっと ずっと ずっと ずっと
きみの愛が愛が愛が愛がほしくて」
"Ah
Please, please
Forever and ever and ever and ever
I want your love, your love, your love, your love."

Begging for love for forever.

「待っているんだ。ずっと
夢の中でずっと
待ち続けてる。ずっと
霧の中でずっと」
"I'm waiting. Forever.
Stuck inside a dream forever.
I'll be waiting. Forever.
Stuck inside a fog forever."

Stuck begging for love for forever. It feels like a prison to desire affection this deeply.

「ああ
助けて助けて！
ずっと ずっと ずっと ずっと
きみの愛が愛が愛が愛がほしくて」
"Ah
Help me, help me!
Forever and ever and ever and ever,
I want your love, your love, your love, your love."

Begging for help.

「迷ってるんだずっと
夢の中でずっと
見つからなくてずっと
霧の中でずっと」
"I've been lost for so long.
Stuck in a dream for forever.
Unable to find you for so long.
Stuck in a fog for forever."

「迷ってるんだずっと
迷っているんだずっと
愛が愛が愛が愛が ．．．
霧の中でずっと」
"I've been lost for so long.
I've been lost for so long.
Your love, your love, your love, your love . . .
I want it."

「ずっと . . .」
"Forever . . ."

「子供の姿のままで
小さい頃のままで
抱きしめてほしくて
今日もまた
愛を探して 」
"Stuck in a child-like state,
Just as I was when I was small,
I want to be held.
Today, once more,
I search for your love."

Stuck in a child-like state, just as was when I was small, I want to be held. Another day, the same thing, again and again, perpetually seeking a parental affection that never comes. Will it ever come? I desperately wish to be held myself. Every night.

Can we talk about stunting? I need to talk about stunting.

There's a very large, wounded part of me that wishes to be treated as gently as a child. That part of me often acts more like a child version of myself than an adult. Now, I still am an adult and enjoy adult things--but I struggle at times to be an adult the way others do so effortlessly. I can't really live on my own. I struggle to care for myself, I'm bad at maintaining relationships, and my emotional regulation is nearly zero.

Even my interests at times skew childish. Enjoying things like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Lazy Town. I even watched Baby Looney Tunes as an older teen and I really couldn't tell you why outside of bizarre mental stunting. Part of me is ahamed of it, but I don't want to be. I don't think that I should be ashamed of it. It is a trauma response and it is harmless.

I know it makes me appear strange, and to many "mature" people I am quite off-putting. I don't know how to convince them to see me differently, not sure that I can. I'd just like people to understand that I'm just as confused by it as they are at times. I know people are scared of me sometimes because seeing someone so clearly displaying trauma symptoms is scary. Especially if you have no experience or understanding of trauma symptoms.

I am unstable. I am stunted. I am child-like. I am traumatized.

I just want someone to hold me.