The Alive Internet
The Internet Is Alive
The internet is alive and well, and I am experiencing it now. I cannot say enough about how happy I am to see the recent reception to myself and my work both on and off Neocities. The internet is alive--maybe even thriving in small corners like here on Neocities. It's been so wonderful to recieve so many thoughtful comments on my guestbook. It's been outstanding recieving fanart of Suzu (still waiting on fanart of Jack lol).
I've been mean and defensive on the internet in the past because I expect everyone on here to act towards me the way my family always has. I expect people to look down on me, to lie to me, to back stab me, and to have a double meaning behind every word. I have been psychologicall tormented my entire life--and it shows. It shows in how I act online and off. People notice--they know I'm not okay--not normal. Beyond any neurodivergence, because other neurodivergent people see it too. I'm not normal. I "grew up in a horror movie" and at times, I'm still stuck in it. Even if I love my family--they still hurt me a lot. They hurt me a lot more than a family ever should.
But the internet is alive--and it's keeping me sane. Here, I get all kinds of people, happy people, people with loving families--and they're nice. They're just nice. Nothing else; just nice. The internet is alive and it's keeping me alive. I fear where I might be without it. I can share my art and people can find it and love it and be unsettled, and disturbed, and comforted, and it's magical. The internet is magic. Science is magic.
Sustained Psychological Torture
I have lived under sustained psychological torture since childhood until now. It's still going. Just when I think it might end, it pops up again. Someone has to put me in my place. Whenever I'm doing better, finally, someone has to pull me back down. Misery loves company.
Before when I'd react with actual meltdowns to the sustained abuse (as a child both physical and mental) they'd increase the abuse 10X--trying to shut me up. It's always been about shutting me. It's always been about silencing me. That's why I'm so sensitive to the concept--why I hate censorship--why I beg to just be allowed to make art however I'd like. It is a lifeline.
I'll beg again--Please let me have this. Please let me have art to represent what actually happened and continues to happen to me. For God's sake, for my sake, for the love of humanity, please. Let me make fucked up art. Please. I am literally suicidal without it. My mental health has shown profound improvement, and it's not just new meds--it's Suzu & Jack too. I need it--I need this.
People Online Are Cheering Me On
And I'm starting to feel like Mob towards the end of Mob Pyscho 100 which was inspired by ONEさん's actual experiences. If you're unfamiliar, by the end of the series, the quirky and quiet social outcast nicknamed "Mob" (a Japanese pun on the word モブ essentailly meaning "background character", or "nobody") acquire an entire squad of people rooting for him due to his genuine and kind hearted nature. ONEさん is a huge inspiration--he started out making webcomics too--the internet is alive (though that was some years ago now, he's an established mangaka now)!
I have a small yet wonderful group of people online who believe in me and my work! That's so awesome. I even got another fanart from J. Armin Meister recently. That's someon who's drawn Suzu three times now (yeah I'm counting). He's a genuine fan. I have a creative collaborator who's artistic work you will all see very soon--he made my Suzu earrings, pictured here:
There's someone I've known online since I was seventeen who's always been there for me and encourages me. And there's someone new who recently invited me to a private discord and everyone in there is really nice and they love Suzu (no one likes Jack lol)!
It's Social Media That's Dead (Thank God)
The internet isn't dead--just changed. X is dead, bsky is dead, tumblr is dead, instagram is dead, reddit is dead--social media is dead. The internet? It's starting to thrive again. The smallweb, independent sites like Purely Human, that's the internet; that's the internet returnig to form. Because we do not like the censorship, the ads, the corporate speak, and for lack of a better word--we do not like the "normies". You know, the ones who use social media exactly as it was intended in the worst way possible. They are sheep. Sorry, they just are. And we're breaking away from them. We don't like the useless robots either.
The old net is dead, Newgrounds is dead, MySpace (and the poor attempt at reviving that hellscape) is dead, LiveJournal is dead, and that's okay. Let an old dog die. There's new puppies to raise! C'mon and help me raise these puppies!
