The Downside of Creation

Physical Pain

I am working on an animated and illustrated, one-minute YouTube short. The animation is very limited, the backgrounds are minimalist (I have pictured three scenes in this article). But I am now in physical pain as I've been working on art non-stop especially now with this video. Non-stop. I had a sudden surge of nerve pain shoot up the left side of my body. My hands are shaking. I need to take a break. Actually. A break. I need a break. I hate art breaks.

I was doing really well stretching everyday--but fell away lately. Genuinely, if you are sedantary (like me), please try to stretch for at least ten minutes everyday. Do intentional stretches. Look up videos and find what works best for you and your tightest muscles.

I consistenly get right wrist and right shoulder blade pain. My nerves are twisted. Starting to think it's causing neurological damage. It's starting to feel like it is. Along with the neck breaking twitches--ugh. I can't catch a break, but mostly because I'm not open to receiving one in the first place. My ADHD makes me focus on one task for hours at a time--obsessively. I've been obsessing over animation and it's hurting me. OUCH!

Mental Pain

I've mentioned in my journal recently that I feel a bit embarrassed and exposed by my work, even though it was willing. My work is midly humiliating to me and that's on purpose. Part of the experience. My therapist's first words upon reading my work were "an overwhelming feeling of helplessness." It's mentally taxing whether I like it or not. It's not easy work. It's heavy. It's weird. It's dark.

I'm embarrassing. Being Suzu is embarrassing, but he's also pitiable so at least I've got that. Woe is me.

My art has always been mentally taxing because I can't look away from the darkness, I'm stuck in it and art is just how I process it all. I don't do art for fun, I do art to survive. I do art to self regulate. I do art to make art.

Manic Highs; Depressive Lows

When I'm up, I'm up. And when I'm down, I'm down. I don't have a bipolar diagnosis but I do have mood swings and "depression with psychotic features." My unstable mental health fuels me and kills me all at once. I make art because I am fucked up. The mania at least allows me to create furiously. However I often make careless msitakes in this state because I'm often (trying and failing) to do one-hundred things at once. However it does yeild large outputs so part of me does love it. Not so much the crash after though.

Are ghosts talking to me from beyond the grave? Who knows. They do make my art funkier though--so they're something. I could literally just be completely lost inside of my head. I think they should change my diagnosis: "lost inside of head; can't find way back out"