Outgrowing Community Itself
Community
What is community? Why do we crave it so much? Is it necessary online, or can we live without it?
Most people online are apathetic to the idea of online community. Most people want to stay in their insular bubbles, untouched by difference of thought, culture, and experience.
It's easier to stay safe inside a bubble, but is it healthy? Is it even any fun?
My personal philosphy dictates that fun and difference between things is the entire point of existing at all. So, I truly struggle to understand those who berate anyone with a slightly different outlook.
You might notice I don't berate people for having different philosphy from mine. I actually love reading different points of view precisely because of my own philosphy.
Sadly, my giving grace to others does not mean I recieve grace in return. It's not a just or fair world--and people can be cruel.
People are often cruel. Sometimes in very passive ways, sometimes right in your face.
The pain is the same regardless.
I love and crave community online, yet I struggle to find it. It's partially my fault as I'm hypervigilant and see many people as potential threats, and it's often unfounded. But I'm not always wrong. Sometimes I'm picking up on things most people miss because I am so sensitive, but still my reactions are often disproportionate.
Either way--I struggle online to find one of the most important aspects of human existence--community.
Previous Communities
I recently realized I'm actually strangely skilled in several areas. I am "multi-talented". I draw, animate, compose, write, code, and create without ever asking for permission, and I taught myself all of those skillsets.
However, if you ask me, I think I'm just "okay" at all of those skills--jack of all trades--master of none. My animation is not even up to the standards of classic Warner Brothers (Looney Tunes)--and they were inventing the wheel.
My music is not comparable to Mozart, or Bach, or whichever dead composer you fancy--it's not comparable to Nintendo composers.
My art lacks practice of the fundamentals and is often warped in a way that even I find off putting at times.
My code (particularly JavaScript) is sloppy, copy and pasted from better devs online, and could probably be condensed and optimize but I have no clue how.
My prose is often repetitive, short, curt, and blunt--I cannot wrap my ADHD riddled brain around a poem.
In other words, I'm not that great. I'm okay and my skills allow me to recreate the visions in my head, which is very nice. But I am hardly exceptional, and the self taught grittiness shows.
So . . . what does this have to do with outgrowing community?
Well, when I was a teen, I used to blend right into the communities I joined with my sloppy pastel art. It wasn't very good, but it was easy.
My music used to be mixed like a nightmare. I couldn't code at all. My writing was somehow even more short and fast paced. And I was just starting out with animation.
I was not very good, and now looking back, it seems like some people preferred it that way.
I used to suck but I used to fit in.
Outgrowth
I've outgrown a lot of communities. I wish it wasn't this way, but it is. Once you hit a certain level of skill, especially in multiple areas, you also hit a wall socially--at least online. It's sad to me, because I do want to belong and be part of communities online, but people often treat me strangely and all it does is trigger anxiety as I struggle to figure out why. And I don't think I'm that great. I don't want to humble brag all through this blog, but I don't know what else to think or say.
I don't fit in to most online communities anymore, and there's only one noticeable thing about me that's changed--I got better.
The Internet Changed Too
It's not just me who changed for the better, but the internet too who has changed for the worse.
The internet has changed a lot in just a two decades, and it hasn't gotten funner, nicer, or more inviting. It's become more hostile, angry, and aggressive. Both the infasrtucture itself, and the users, much like a large city--the bigger and more hostile the architecture--the angrier and more hostile the pople. The internet is scary, it always has been, but many cultural shifts online have only made it scarier. It's depressing, as I love what the internet can be, I really do.
But I Have Hope
I still have my IRL community who will never be replaced and can never be tainted. My friendships are forever through thick and thin. I'm not alone. My friends are always right beside me--cheering me on.
I have a few people online who truly understand and support me and my work and the support is often mutual. Many of my mutuals are even better devs and artists than I am and their admiration is invaluable to me. Thank you, awesome people! And of course, people who are not artists or are at a different part of their own artistic journeys are just as important and I love to watch artists grow. Many I suspect will surpass me--so keep going.
Keep being awesome. 
